Meditation is for many something incredibly difficult, something that only Buddhist monks and New Age people and David Lynch do. It's thought to be something that only people connected to ideas of spirituality attempt to do. When I started to meditate I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. What I knew was that my mind was constantly racing and I needed a break from it. It was the only reason. During the following years, I meditated on and off, I resorted to it during times of anxiety and panic, during times of depression and during times of attempting to calm the nervous system when leaving therapy sessions. I tried medication for panic attacks and anxiety, but I didn't want to be addicted to them, so I quit and decided to deal with the anxiety and panic on my own. I couldn't sit in lotus position for enough time, I couldn't have my back straight, I couldn't stop my mind from racing. It was a heavy task to allow the breath to take over, to allow the mind to simply be there.
Such a difficult task made more difficult by my idea that it is difficult. When I realized the simplicity of meditation, it became second nature. I started learning about Mindfulness and how to wait in seemingly endless supermarket lines with a smile on my face, just focusing on my breathing in and out. It truly changed my life for the better. I realized there isn't a need for all those special things like meditation cushions for example. Just sitting, laying down or standing up in supermarket lines is plenty. Meditation is the idea that we can just exist and be really happy about that fact. But before that can happen, all the emotions that we have burried inside in order to not deal come to the forfront of the mind and body. It's a true Rebirth of the mind to allow meditation to be a healing tool.
I had a lot of trauma happening in my younger days, a lot of escaping reality with drugs and spiritual escapades. When it came down to it, the only thing I really needed was to really deal with myself. No more running, no more trying to please myself with lying to myself. I went into the depth of my self-hatred, I went into the depths of all the things I had no fault over but needed to look at and feel the guilt of the lack of responsibility over myself. I meditated for hours on end, did yoga to come back to the body and not allow the mind to be disperse and elsewhere all the time. My therapist started saying I was doing an awesome job, but all I really did was meditate and do yoga. I'm not advocating for people to exhange therapy for meditation and yoga, but therapy became a complement for me, not the other way around. I realized I could have all the tools necessary to break free from the issues that plagued me, and ground in myself by meditating and a daily yoga practice.
It's often said a spiritual awakening is the most painful process there is and that is exactly like it was for me. I began looking for all the reasons I didn't like my own self, my body, my life, my ideas. I began looking and I hated the answers I found. This immense guilt washed over me one day in a shower and I sobbed in convulsion thinking "Holy crap, what did I do to my life?". The "who am I", "where am I" and "how the heck did I get here?" ran intensely for months, I was lost and confused. So I increased my meditation, it was the only thing that could calm my mind from all these emotions. I learned how to read my emotions, how to identify them and to connect the dots to what they meant and what they needed for me to express. It became like a game and it was a tough journey to get to a poing of calm and stress free. It's not like I'm totally Zen, I still get upset, angry, and I still have a bit of a bad temper if I nap for too long. But I do know that all those heavy negative emotions from traumas, self-imposed or otherwise, are now a thing of the past. Thank Goodness for Meditation.
I'll be starting some meditation classes soon. Stay tuned for info.